When I was in kindergarten, two of my good friends, Steven Watkins and Ian Jeffries, had a fight.  I honestly don't remember what it was about but I'm sure it was something of great importance like a broken G.I. Joe dol.....action figure or possibly fallout from the heartbreak of learning that our favorite local children's television program host, Salty Sam, had recently been arrested for drug trafficking and drunk driving.  This kind of blow is bound to negatively affect a child's gestalt therefore causing strife between friends.  Whatever the reason behind it, their feud hit me hard and I became determined to fix it after leaving it alone a few days for God to sort out.  When he hadn't done anything I knew it was once again up to me.  My plan was to tell each of them that until they became friends again, I was going to keep my fingers crossed.  Initially this sounded like a shaky threat at best.  However when I committed to it, attempting to play basketball that way after school and fumbling with my pencil as the class watched while taking a quiz, they soon realized it was more dramatic than it sounded.  On the second day of doing this, while I was holding a pencil between both hands to write my name atop a paper, Steven and Ian came to me and said that there was no reason for me to keep my fingers crossed any longer as they were friends again and in fact had never really been fighting.  They informed me they were just playing with me, but I knew this was a lie, but the important thing was that they were together again.  I also knew that my actions had been the catalyst for the reunion.

This was only the beginning of my life as a matchmaker.  As some of you may already know I am beginning a new endeavor to become a professional matchmaker, having had it up to here doing it for free.  I'm organizing and hosting a series of singles events throughout the city in different venues in order to connect available people.  Think of me as the romantic anorexic in the way that someone with anorexia nervosa will not eat, however they love to cook and watch others enjoy their creation.  I may not be dating now but I can live vicariously through my lovelorn charges.

I know this is a new lifestyle that truly excites me as I have already started having fantasies about what my life will be like once it takes off.  I've had dreams and on more than one occasion lately have been snapped back to reality by my boss or coworker from a daydream.  In my fantasies I am doing the matchmaking full time with this office on Central Park West that overlooks the park.  It's a small office with only one assistant (a cute intern named Joseph who has a crush on me but please, he's 19 and that is SO not going to happen).   My company is modest but successful enough to allow me a fashionable one bedroom apartment in the West Village directly upstairs from the Monster, a popular bar where me and my friends would meet weekly to discuss our antics.  Another sure sign of my moderate success is an entire wall of my bedroom devoted to shoe storage.  There are wingtips, boots, Docs, sandals, saddle shoes and Steve Maddens as far as the eye can see.  But no loafers.  I despise loafers! 

I hold one of my single parties and there is a great turnout.  It actually looks a lot like one of those Lava Life commercials with the virtual cocktail party, except mine is a little more organized and there is much less bathroom sex going on.  One of the guests is a first timer named Christian.  Hes about 6'1", with dark, shaggy hair, a very distinct sharp nose and he looks exactly like Andy Samberg from Saturday Night Live.  He's cute and a little shy, new to the city, so I take time to talk with him and make him feel comfortable.  We talk about our love of Captain and Tenille, jell-o and field hockey.  We laugh and flirt for about 30 minutes and just as I begin to feel a distinct spark between us and right as I'm about to ask him out, this bridge and tunnel cross eyed bitch spills her drink on his shirt "accidentally" and wipes off the alcohol suggestively with her napkin.  I immediately hate her. 

Shortly after this Christian and her, her name is Katherine with a K for extra emphasis that she is a raging bitch, walk off together and mingle the entire night.  Soon my best friend, a sassy, flirty, black girl named Laquondra played by Gabrielle Union with a heart as big as her breasts comes up as I watch Christian and Katherine from across the room.

"You best get all up on that," she'd say.

"I cant," I reply.

"Honey child baby boy child, you are what we call romantically anorexic."  She then explains what the term means.  Soon after this the term is talked about on Oprah and the girls on Sex and the City even mention it, because in my fantasy that show's still on.

I remind Laquondra that my solemn oath as a matchmaker prevents me from interfering with a potential match even when I don't think it's right. 

"Child cracker, please.  Grab that shaggy hair and ride him like you goin' someplace." 

I want to, damn I want to, but I become distracted by other guests, always determined to be the perfect host.  As the crowd starts to filter out I see Christian and Katherine leaving together, but Christian takes a moment and looks over his shoulder and smiles and nods his head at me before Katherine opens her big mouth and distracts him.  Laquondra and I celebrate a great party with a toast of red wine before cleaning up the room.

About a week after the party I receive an e-mail from Christian thanking me for the party and for introducing him to Katherine.  He goes on about how much fun she is and how she's an investment banker and how she does this thing where she fills her mouth with jell-o when....well let's just say it makes me a little nauseous and more than a little jealous reading the e-mail.  I reply in standard fashion saying I was glad he could attend and that I hope I don't see him at any more singles parties, of course meaning that in the best way possible, as I open a bottle of Tequila and do a shot.

 After this I decide to shake things up and go out with friends to a club.  We all dance and flirt and have a great time until I see Katherine there making out with some smarmy Italian grease ball in the corner of the bar.  Even though it's a little gross seeing them tongue each other I am excited because Christian isn't with her.  I make my way to her and say hello and not only does she immediately recognize me but he does too (probably from all the pictures in Page Six).  I tell her that I'm sorry that things didn't work out with Christian at the party but it seems like she met a really nice new guy, I say looking at his patchy, hairy chest and gold chains matted into it.

Katherine then informs me that she is still seeing Christian but he did not want to go out, offering to make Katherine dinner and rent a movie instead, but she declined.  She tells me that she isn't the stay at home type and is more of a night owl party girl as she leans back into to tongue kiss the greasy man.  She then says she will see him the following day, Sunday.  I have this fantasy of punching through her chest and ripping out her still beating heart and showing it to her right before she dies, instead I say goodbye and walk away to get drunk with my friends.  Laquondra is busy making out with the grease ball's brother at the bar, so I sit alone and order a shot of whiskey from the cute bartender.

The next day while shopping at the Chelsea Market for a sad dinner for one I run into Christian.  He is buying items to make dinner for Katherine stating that he was going to do that the previous night but she had been sick.  I want to tell him the truth but once again, my solemn, unbreakable oath prevents me.  We decide to shop together, which turns into walking around the city, which leads lunch in the head of the Statue of Liberty which then leads to a roller coaster ride at Coney Island which inevitably ends at sunset on the roof of the Empire State building.  He checks his watch and says that he should be going so he can get dinner ready.  We stare into each other's eyes for a moment and both of us begin to lean in for a kiss when his cell phone rings.  He answers it and I can hear Katherine's shrill Macaw-like voice on the other end asking where he is, saying that she's starving.  He satiates her and says that he really has to get going and I agree that he should go as to not leave Kristine waiting.

"Its Katherine," he says.

"O whatever," I respond.  SCORE!

Christian leaves and I pull out a bottle of gin from my cotton eco-friendly shopping bag.  By this point in the movie I am becoming a raging alcoholic.

A few weeks later I receive an invitation in the mail to attend the wedding of Christian Fidoodley and Katherine Cuntenstein the following Saturday.  Part of my agreement with all people that attend my singles parties is that I am invited to the wedding, should there be one, and that at anytime during the reception I can grab the mike and sing "Shadow Dancer" or "Voices Carry."  I had never missed one of my charges weddings but I crumple up the invitation and sink to the floor as I open a fifth of vodka and down half of it in one gulp.

Laquondra shows up the day of the wedding and finds me passed out in a pool of my own vomit surrounded by a filthy apartment. My hair is a mess and I'm wearing the same bathrobe that Ive been wearing for over a week.

"Honey child nutter butter peanut butter sugar booger, you gots to get yo white ass out this apartment," she encourages.

 I decline incoherently as I am still a little drunk off vodka and high from the 8 ball I did the previous night.  Laquondra, being my best black friend, doesn't turn her back on me.  Instead she stands me in the shower and cleans me up, during a music montage, effectively smacking some sense into my thick white head.  She tells me that oath or no oath I have to follow my dreams because sometimes you only get one shot for happiness.  In a surprisingly heart touching moment she tells me that she lost her's years ago which is why she's such a whore now and doesn't want the same thing to happen to me.  She tells me that I've spent enough time making other people happy and its time to take care of me.

I lay my hand on her shoulder and look deep into her eyes.  "Loquondra," I say, "you're my best black friend."  I grab my bag and race to the street to catch a cab.  The driver is a funny little Armenian man and when I tell him that I have to stop a wedding to win the man that I love, he floors the gas pedal and makes it to the church in 10 minutes. 

I run into the chapel just as the preacher is saying the line about anyone with a reason that the two should not get married, speak now or forever hold my piece.  Determined to let Christian hold my piece, I speak up saying "I've got something to say!"  The entire crowd turns to me in shock as I walk slowly around the perimeter of the pews, delivering the speech I had planned in the cab.

"Christian, when I first saw you, I knew that you were the one for me.  Ive thought about you everyday since then.  That day we spent together at the Chelsea Market and Coney Island and the Statue of Liberty and The Empire State Building was the best day of my life.  If you want to continue with this wedding, go ahead but just know that you and I could have days like that everyday for the rest of our lives.  I love you for who you are.  For the man that you want to be and for the man that you almost are.  I love you Christian.  I love you.  I.  Love.  You.  I love you!  You had me at jell-o."

The room is shocked silence as Christian stares at me.  I begin to sweat in nervous anticipation of his reply.  "Plus, shes a vampire!" I say as Katherine turns to me, her face morphed into a hideous, feral visage.  She grabs Christian and tries to bite him.  Just as she's about to sink her teeth into his soft pink neck, I grab her hair and pull her head back.

"Hands OFF my boyfriend, Skankarella!" I say before backhanding her, sending her flying across the room.  She stands, heaving in anger.  She tosses an empty pew at me but I leap, tucking and rolling before it can land.  I come up and perform a roundhouse kick, sending Katherine flying against the wall.  She retaliates with a front flip, kicking me with both feet before landing on them and punching me with all her bitchy vampire strength.  I twirl in the air from the blow and land in a heap.  Before I know what is happening I feel her atop me.  She has me pinned and I feel helpless, that this is the end. 

"You're ruining my special day!" she says as she leans in, fangs glistening toward my exposed neck.  As I struggle to free my arms from beneath her knees I hear Christian yell.

"Hey!" When Katherine turns toward him, he smacks her across the face with a loose board from the broken pew.  She flies off of me and I do one of those moves where I kick my legs up as I lay on my back and land on my feet in a fighting stance.

Katherine begins running back toward me and I notice the support beam to the balcony has become compromised.  I kick it as hard as I can and watch as the tons of concrete and wood collapse down on top of her.  I hear her scream as she is covered and suddenly her screams subside as she is buried dead-alive.

I turn to Christian who walks toward me slowly.  We meet at the front of the church and stare at each other without saying a word for a moment, before we embrace and kiss.  The music swells and everyone in the audience begins to cheer for us.

"You wanna get out of here?" he asks.

"I thought you'd never ask," I reply.  We run out of the church and catch the Amtrak at the station across the street.  Where we're going we don't know but we're certain it's to start a life together.