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Who dat?
I'm 32. A homosexual. A writer. A lover. A sinner. A saint. A joker. A midnight poker. I am FOZZIEBARE
Follow me on Twitter @Fozziebare or e-mail me at fozzie@fozziebare.com
Your Source for Fozzie-isms
Targeting Gays
To Whom it May concern,I was just walking around my apartment today and I noticed the countless DVDs, the standing mixers, the XBOX and multiple games, the lamp, the bedspread, the stools at the counter, and many many more items all of which have been purchased at Target. I am writing you this letter to let you know that as of today the purchasing at your company will stop. I am sickened and saddened by the recent news regarding your donations to anti-gay politicians, groups and legislature. Your marketing and branding portrays and all-inclusive tone but obviously this is not the case. I realize you have issued statements stating that you contribute to all sides of the political spectrum but I feel I have to inform you that hatred of a minority group is not political. It's hatred. As long as company's like yours continue to donate to politicians who use gays and lesbian citizens as a wedge issue the anger, disproportionate civil rights, and violence will continue. And donating to a gay rights group does not make it right that you contribute to someone who wishes to not only stop our rights but have us MURDERED.
It saddens me that I have to write this letter. I would like to think that in 2010 I would not have to worry about where I shop working to prevent my civil rights (and sadly, to have me MURDERED as the group to which your donation went encourages) but I guess I do. In closing I want to reiterate that Target and affiliates will not be receiving one more penny of my money unless you work to make this right and make a commitment to no longer donate to groups which oppose my being and especially to groups who wish to have me MURDERED.
Yours gayly,
Jason Nelson
In my country "The Room" is inside you.
For the last three nights I have had difficulty getting to sleep. This isn't because of bad dreams, or the temperature, or even my horrible, ghetto neighbors. No it's because of a simple film called The Room . For those of you who don't know The Room is an independent movie written, produced, and directed by one brilliant auteur by the name of Tommy Wiseau. And when I say "brilliant" I mean...well I'm not really sure what I mean because Mr. Wiseau is as much of an enigma as the film. Refusing to name his country of origin, declaring he is only American, Wiseau speaks with an accent reminiscent of Latka from Taxi and one of the Wild and Crazy Guys from Saturday Night Live. In The Room, Tommy portrays Johnny, a loving boyfriend to Lisa, his fian...finan....feans...future wife. Unfortunately Lisa does not reciprocate Johnny's feelings, choosing rather to start a torrid affair with Johnny's best friend Mark. And when I say "torrid" I mean elbowy and almost motionless. That's the set-up which sounds like pretty standard fair, especially if you watch Neighbors or As the World Turns. What makes The Room so brilliant is that it is the only movie I have ever seen which effectively fails at everything it tries. The iconic best worst movie is considered Troll 2, going so far as to have a documentary made about it entitled Best Worst Movie. However, I must contest this title as Troll 2 at least hits the points that it is supposed to for the type of movie it is. There are scenes within the early 80s horror film which would have scared me as a kid and the scenes that are intended to be funny occasionally succeed. There is not one scene within The Room which would have affected me the way in which it was intended no matter what age I was or emotional state I was in. The love scenes are laughable, the dramatic moments are hilarious, and the intended humor is just sad. Additionally the character motivation in Troll 2 makes sense even if it's not entirely linear. Whereas the characters in The Room are all over the map, obviously a product of trying to interpret the script written in Mr. Wiseau's Eastern European idiosyncrasies. Not to mention the fact that there are approximately 2 - 3 lines in Troll 2 which are memorable and quotable whereas nearly every single line of The Room is not only memorable but late-night giggle inducting. From the constant greetings of every character whenever the enter a scene (save one whose name we never learn but is apparently in their close-knit group and worries that it will be destroyed) to the random announcement of breast cancer, to the best chicken impersonation I've ever heard this movie will leave you satisfied yet thoroughly confused.
Which brings me to my point. As I stated earlier I have had difficulty getting to sleep and that is because I have watched The Room three times in as many days and each time I have exposed a new person to it with me. Never has any movie provided such opportunity for pure MST3K-isms from start to finish. And this is the reason that sleep as alluded me. After about an hour of trying to put the movie out of my head last night and failing while in bed with my boyfriend I finally clicked on the recorder on my iPhone and captured about a minute of our exchange. Please listen and see the pure joy and coughy hilarity that you are missing if you have yet to see The Room.
Download | Duration: 00:01:05
RIP Rue McClanahan
With the passing of Rue McClanahan I thought it only appropriate to share this card that I designed a while back. Of course by "design" I mean I threw some images together with Photoshop and called myself a designer. Of course, isn't that what all graphic designers do? But I digress. Rest in peace, Rue. And Betty, please continue to live forever.
Wipeout's Back!
With the return of arguably the best show on television I thought I would share my thoughts about it. Instead of boring you with a long and tedious blog about how awesome the show is I randomly recorded myself watching an episode and thought I would share my reaction.Download | Duration: 00:00:23
New Nessie Footage and Documents Officially Prove the Neighsayers Stupid
In addition to this irrefutable new footage of Nessie above (which was unfortunately shot by a hiccupping epileptic coming off a bad bender, apparently) Government documents have been released which all but assure the existence of our favorite gentle giant.
A letter released by the National Archives of Scotland from Iverness County Police Chief Constable William Fraser in August 1938 shows police believed the only step they could usefully take to protect "Nessie" from hunters was to tell people that the monster's preservation was "desirable." Which coincidentally the same line I used the time I was mugged in a 7-11 parking lot. You'd be surprised how well that line works.
Fraser went on to say that a certain Peter Kent and Miss Marion Stirling of London were determined to catch the monster, and that Kent had told local police he was having a special harpoon gun made to hunt the monster down which was his first mistake. You never tell the police about the special weapons you're making and what you are making them for.
"That there is some strange creature in Loch Ness seems now beyond doubt, but that the police have any power to protect it is very doubtful," Fraser wrote in his letter to the Under Secretary of State, Scottish Office. The Under Secretary replied in a letter, "Dear Sir, How many times do I have to tell you that I'm the guy who killed all those hookers in White Chapel 40 years ago? Don't you care? Stop me or I'll kill again!"
Fraser said he had had Kent warned of the desirability of having the creature left alone.
"...but whether my warning will have the desired affect or not remains to be seen," he added.
It apparently did since Nessie is still alive and well, kicking up mud in the face of submersibles and chomping on the occasional swimmer. But not to worry, she only dines on Scotsmen.
What I Watched - House on Sorority Row
Slashers from the 80s need three things: tits, blood, and camp, which is why My Bloody Stripper Dearest would be the best movie ever. Since that movie doesn't actually exist I recommend checking out House on Sorority Row . The set up is simple: it's the end of college for a group of catty sorority girls but their fun keeps getting kiboshed by their cunty house mother. When the girls decide to pull a prank on their casa madre things go horribly awry when they accidentally kill her. Or do they?! When the girls start getting picked off one by one with the heavy, pointy cane that the house mother always used they begin to believe that she didn't actually die and is now like super pissed. You're bound to have fun with the witty dialog and even more fun pointing and saying "hey that's the chick from Monkey Shines! Hey that's the chick from Arachnophobia!" But the best thing about the movie is that it's actually good. A tight script and somewhat believable twist ending add to the fun. Not to mention one of the scariest surprises I've seen in a long time that actually made me jump. Of course there are a few minor logic problems with the movie (i.e. why is the street called Sorority Row if that's quite obviously the only house on the street?) but if you're able to let that go and go along for the ride it's definitely worth the time.
On a minor side note, the 2009 remake Sorority Row is equally campy and, believe it or not, even more fun. Add both to your Netflix queue and compare and contrast. You'll find that while the fashions and head shapes may have changed, a good campy horror movie remains the same.
Horrorhound Weekend - Indianapolis '10
So not all of the pictures are great, and a lot are kind of dark and grainy but if you were at Horrorhound Weekend, April 26-28th then you'll remember what was happening when the picture was taken. And if you weren't there then you should have been.
Absolutely nothing
Our kindred spirits over at Zombies Don't Run had good intentions, however they were just a little overzealous and hopeful. Obviously they are just as excited about the prospect of Cloverfield 2 as I am since they seem to be seeing clues where there are none. Posting the headline "Cloverfield 2 Teaser Poster?" originally made the hair on the back of my neck stand up and the tip of my wang tingle ever so slightly. That was until I opened the webpage to see the picture to the left. Unfortunately this isn't an image of N ew York City trying to rebuild after the devestating attack by Cloverfield Palin (full name), it's some boring History Channel documentary about how boring statues can be or some such nonsense. While J.J. Dynomite Abrams (full name) claims to be in development for the sequel he's certainly taking his sweet ass time.
Captain America's prospects
Below are a few of the names rumored to be auditioning for the role of Captain America. Personally I can't see any in the role, although Cloverfield star Mike Vogel may come the closest. That's what she said.
Dane Cook?
Joe Jonas??
Jim Halpert???
And the guy who was so good in Cloverfield they killed him off 17 minutes into the movie.
My latest obsession - The Podcast Podcast
You may have noticed a sharp decline in postings here at Fozzie central. That is because a lot of my time and energy has been going into the production of my new podcast aptly titled The Podcast Podcast. On the show I have a guest from the world of podcasting into my virtual studio studio to talk their show, why they do it, how they do it, and what the hell they hope to accomplish. Each guest then undergoes a conversation topic followed by The World Famous Lightning Round (copyright pending). Please visit the site and subscribe in the iTunes store here by clicking the iTunes button on the page. And I promise to post more here soon.
Greatest. Movie. Ever
Far be it from me to ever be accused of hyperbole, but this book which will surely soon be a big budget movie, looks like the greatest thing in the history of the world ever!
Archer gets a second season
Archer, the little, bitchy, animated, spy-comedy that could, has been renewed for a second season. One of the creators of the show, Adam Reed, responded to the news: Well, we’re just incredibly stoked about getting another season of Archer. And I think FX has really shown a lot of faith in the show by giving it a chance to grow its audience. The show is doing well on iTunes, and very well on Hulu, so I think you’re right that it’s been in a competitive time slot. And then there’s those pesky Olympics… I’m just now starting to sift through the huge stack of cocktail napkins on which I’ve been scribbling ideas for season two; if I can make out even half of these scrawls, there should be plenty of storylines.
Reed's writing partner Matt Thompson responded to the news in prose:
We are super excited.
Really awesome to make cartoons for a living.
Even better that we get to do it from Atlanta.
We just have no desire to move to LA and make TV.
The time slot was a killer.
Plus we were not paired with anything / didn’t have a lead in.
We were alone on an island.
Plus people loves them some Burn Notice.
The TIVO numbers have been great to us.
Same with HULU.
I think it all rolls in to FX’s thinking on the pick up.
Whatever it was, we are thrilled.
It's exciting to see two such nice guys get a chance in Hollywood. But I do have one question. What is Burn Notice?
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Palin/Lambert '10
According to our good friends over at Gawker Jay Leno is pulling out all the stops to take the focus off people hating him and put it where he thinks it belongs: on his guests. On his second show back from his long-winter's nap the scheduled guests are Olympic snowboarder and righteous dude (I hope I said that right) Shaun White and our future overlord Sarah Palin. It seems like a strange panel but actually they're both used to frigid temperatures, both have ridden someone or something into fame, and they both appear to be raging idiots. But that's not even the fun part. Glam rocker Adam Lambert announced on his Twitter page that he would also be appearing on the same night. Now NBC doesn't have any information about this on their website but hopefully Lambert just got a little excited about the planned, Sarah Palin, This is Your Life! segment. "Sarah, you may recognize this person as someone who made a choice you wouldn't make and then went on to piss off all of the people who love you by kissing a dude."
Flashback Friday - My Sister Sam
One of the most bittersweet sitcoms from the 80's, My Sister Sam was a short-lived treasure much like its star Rebecca Schaeffer who was murdered by a crazed fan thus bringing the series to an end. The show is highly enjoyable and lighthearted but it is difficult to watch now without the fate of the young star at the forefront of our minds. Sam was a simple premise about a free-spirited teen coming to live with her fussy, uptight sister and showing that they both have things to learn from each other. The sisters, played by the forementions Schaeffer and Mork's main squeeze Pam Dawber were surrounded by a brilliant cast of supporting players from Jenny O'Hara (Doug's mom on King of Queens), Joel Brooks (Mrs. Garrett's probably gay, accountant son on The Facts of Life and best gay friend in countless movies from the 80s), and David Naughton (self confessed Pepper and US citizen and werewolf curse recipient). The laughs were fast and furious but the best thing about the entire show was Sam's fantastic San Francisco loft apartment/studio. It's worth watching for that alone.
Fey's Palin may be back on SNL. No word on who will play her slutty daughter
Tina Fey is coming to host Saturday Night Live in April, which will most likely coincide with the release of her new movie Date Night with Steve Carrell. Well fans are already buzzing about her reprising her Sarah Palin impersonation for the show, but no confirmation as of yet. Officials at SNL won't comment on this possibility since skits and scripts are likely to change up until show time, but it would be ree-donkulous is they didn't take this opportunity to recapture that golden age when Tina Fey was the most famous woman in the world. "It's inevitable that we'll try it, at least," Fey said in an interview Tuesday. "We'll see if it makes it to air." You bet your ass you'll give it a try, Tina. Also we can't wait to see what pisses Palin off about the show and how she'll use it for political posturing afterward. Good times!
Super Geek Me
Pop documentarian Morgan Spurlock and pop-culture icon Joss Whedon are joining geek forces to create a documentary about San Diego Comic-Con this summer. EW.com is reporting that the two are currently in pre-production to find a select group of visitors to the event and plan to document their excitement three months before their trek to the holy land leading up to their attendance at the four day event. It's been reported that the duo are looking high and low for ideal subjects so I recommend you don your homemade Ironman costume and brush up on your Klingon for your audition tape.
HBO's new crop o' talent
If Sex and the City on-demand and near-daily airings of All About Steve aren't enough to get you to pay for HBO then check this out. This Friday the network will begin airing four new series' from some of the greatest comedic talent working today. First off is Funny or Die Presents, a new half hour series that compiles clips from the comedy video website that Adam McKay and Will Ferrell co-created in 2007. Funny or Die Presents is another step along the road to the fusion of Internet video and television video which has Network Executives crapping their dockers on casual Fridays. When the series was announced, Ferrell sarcastically asserted the deal was "the missing link moment where TV and Internet finally merge."
The show is introduced by a 1950s-style TV host who notes: "Funny or Die is at the forefront of computer technology, leading the way in computer comedy programming. Tonight marks a departure from our usual business model as we join the ever-declining world of broadcast television." Co-creator Adam McKay, best known as the director of comedies such as Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy and the I-can-kind-of-see-what-you-were-going-for Step Brothers," says that joke is "70 percent true and 30 percent joking." This makes him not only a comedy genius but a math genius as well. 
In addition to this repurposing of web video material there is also the highly-anticipated repurposing of podcast material when he Ricky Gervais podcast gets animated for HBOs new series The Ricky Gervais Show. Gervais was inspired to make the show by fan-created images when he realized that recreating the podcast antics with cohosts Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkerton would be boring and time consuming for everybody involved.
"Because Karl goes off on these flights of fancy, these fantastical stories where he personifies chimpanzees, it lends itself so well [to animation]," says Gervais, who calls the product "re-al-imation." "The worst thing would be if the cartoon made it worse — and I think not only does it not do that, but it brings it to life."
Gervais, who describes his cartoon self as a cross between Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble, wanted his show to look "warm and retro," partly to soften Pilkington's bizarre takes on such hot topic subjects as race, disability and the Holocaust. Pilkington's childlike nature helps, too.
In addition to these new shows Real Time with Bill Maher returns for an eighth season and The Life and Times of Tim is coming back for round two. So call your local cable company and add HBO to your lineup if you don't want to miss these soon-to-be classics. Or just download them illegally later. Yea, do that instead.
Joe Manganiello gets his own series
At this point I'm just looking for excuses to post more pictures of Joe Manganiello, but this is actually a good one. The stud hasn't even appeared as Alcide Herveaux on True Blood yet and he already has a new job. Manganiello has been cast in a new sitcom from the creators of How I Met Your Mother (on which Manganiello has a recurring role) entitled Livin' on a Prayer. Considering the apostrophe and religious conotation I originally thought this show was going to be about Sarah Palin's 2012 Presidential aspirations but as it turns out the show is basically How I Met Your Mother or Friends set in Philadelphia. Manganiello will play a former high school football star whose hopes and dreams were dashed when he got saddled with a wife and a few annoying children, all of whom have yet to be cast. The show will debut this fall after the world falls head over feet in love with Joe Manganiello on True Blood so despite the shaky premise it may actually stand a chance.
